earlier last week, i was talking with A. about the surgery she was about to have in a couple of days. she was eager and excited for it, telling me how the days were stretching endlessly like chewing gum… how she planned to go to sleep early that day, just so that time moved a little faster.
and then, something happened during that surgery… and a couple days later, i got the news that she had died.
like a punch in the gut. one day she’s right there, we’re laughing, sharing train rides and exchanging letters, commenting on her new kitchen cupboards and the pile of books she wanted to read… and next thing i know this unexplainable void takes over, this acute absence of her. it doesn’t make sense.
the heartbreak crystalized the absurdity of the past few months — and how silly we’ve been, postponing our life and putting things on hold until we reach an arbitrary point in the future. what are we waiting for, exactly? we have a roof over our heads, clothes, health… let’s live, damn it!
the recipients were a mix of old and new friends, which gave it a nice twist — conversations were started, continued or kickstarted again by means of a random mail item. owed replies were sent, and people were cheered up, or thanked or remembered. it was fun, and it had the unintended benefit of giving me something else to think of during some trying time. i wish i had the stamina to keep it up the whole year! :)
so… february. yeah.
i think that frame where paulo says “the situation is a little strange…” pretty much sums it up.
we’re still stuck in the limbo of not having electricity (and therefore gas or internet) on the house we rented — and no idea of when that is going to happen. the landlord is apologetic, but still expects us to wait however long it takes for it to happen (latest prediction: another month!) and keep paying the rent for a house in which we cannot live. frankly, i’m… speechless at the way we’re being treated, and sorely missing our fierce berliner mieterverein.
so, we keep our life in boxes and we wait. for landlords, for lawyers, for electricians, for papers to magically show up.
and while we wait, we look at the blue skies and think about how fortunate we are — still, in spite of, regardless. we’re here, we’re healthy, it’s sunny — and everything will be ok in the end.