earlier last week, i was talking with A. about the surgery she was about to have in a couple of days. she was eager and excited for it, telling me how the days were stretching endlessly like chewing gum… how she planned to go to sleep early that day, just so that time moved a little faster.

and then, something happened during that surgery… and a couple days later, i got the news that she had died.

like a punch in the gut. one day she’s right there, we’re laughing, sharing train rides and exchanging letters, commenting on her new kitchen cupboards and the pile of books she wanted to read… and next thing i know this unexplainable void takes over, this acute absence of her. it doesn’t make sense.

the heartbreak crystalized the absurdity of the past few months — and how silly we’ve been, postponing our life and putting things on hold until we reach an arbitrary point in the future. what are we waiting for, exactly? we have a roof over our heads, clothes, health… let’s live, damn it!